i miss it. i have really missed byu today. i've missed it so much that it actually brought me to tears. (actually, it is currently bringing me to tears, but that's embarrassing and i can't have you guys knowing that.) as you may or may not know, i am currently living in salt lake city and i work. i like salt lake, and i like my job. i also like school, but i'm not a student at the moment. see, byu was one of the most incredible places i have ever been blessed to simply exist within. just being there makes you happy. i remember how much i stressed over my application to the university my senior year. i always wanted it. it was the only school i applied to other than the free ones i was offered full-ride scholarships to. byu was the dream from the time i was a little girl. i remember how overcome with excitement i was when i opened my acceptance letter. i had worked my entire life to read that long-awaited "congratulations" - countless hours of studying, homework-ing and stressing, not to mention all the clubs i was involved with, had been devoted to this goal, and it was a goal that i accomplished with enthusiasm. the college years are such an important time of any young adult's life. i had prepared myself for an incredible experience. i had a strong will, a strong testimony, and a strong work ethic that was going to carry me places. i was passionate and had true joy in my life. when i finally arrived, i was excited and i was nervous and i was ready to take it all on head-first. and at first it was wonderful. at first. every single girl in my dorm was divinely remarkable, and i don't think they will ever realize how grateful i am to have had them placed in my life. both my ra and my roommate were especially phenomenal. i wish i would have embraced them more, but i was distracted... and then the downward spiral began. i missed home a lot. but i was alright. i stayed up late studying because i would hang out with friends all day. but i was okay. then i broke someone's heart to appease another's. things weren't alright. i became swallowed up in a relationship that was doomed from the start. things weren't okay. but i wanted them to be. i channeled all of my efforts to the wrong place. i tried to please an unpleasable person with every breath i took. i couldn't handle the burden i refused to acknowledge i was carrying. i stopped making music. i stopped writing. i stopped hanging out with friends. i even stopped going to classes after a while. my entire life became devoted to an abusive relationship that i was in denial about. i just couldn't believe that i couldn't make someone even remotely happy. i was putting in so much effort that was smacked aside constantly. it was my fault we started without any trust. i had left someone else for him, after all. who does that, anyway? but he excited me and challenged me in ways no one else ever had. everything was so foreign. i just didn't know that these challenges of his were actually no good for me. now don't get me wrong, i am a much stronger person today in aspects of my life i was unknowingly weak in previously, but at the time my self-worth plummeted. i had no confidence in anything that i did. i became a puppet to a puppeteer who knew exactly what buttons to push and when to pull back to keep me lost in this cycle for quite a long time. it was after too long i had quite enough and just let go. it was too late at this point, though. the damage had been done. i had failed most of my classes - a letter i had never seen in an academic setting in my life. i was crushed. i destroyed myself from the inside out. i gave up. i just couldn't believe it. by the time school rolled back around, i decided that more loans was not an option, and i didn't go back. i drifted for a long time. i'm finally re-establishing myself, but as i am doing that i am realizing more and more how truly painful it is to be away from such a lovely place that i threw away by choice. if i could change just one thing in my life, it would be that mistake - i want it back, and i want it bad. i feel hopeless, but i also feel fire. i want to fight for it. i want the experience i denied myself my entire freshman year. i want to prove myself and i want to get back to where i know i need to be. and really...
i just want to be happy.
